For the past 6+ months, I've been envisioning and working on my first self portrait, due for a show in July.  From the start I WANTED to do it, NEEDED to do it, to really dive in and see what I would find in myself.

Last fall, I began working with a nervous system therapist (best decision ever), and one of her first challenges/ invitations to me was asking me to tell the truth.  Just tell the truth.  The actual truth.  About myself, my feelings, my needs, my dreams.  She reminded me of the necessity of telling it to myself, telling it to God, and learning how to tell more and more of it out loud to others in love.  To stop suffocating my heart and stop ignoring my dreams.

Of course I usually tell the truth I initially thought to myself, I'm not a deceitful person....

Except that I am.  100%.

I have lied to myself and others countless times about how I feel, what I need and what I want.

She encouraged me that this small but mighty act, -just telling the truth- repeated until it becomes my default, will bring freedom and healing to my deepest heart.

And she was right.  So right.

I've been a chronic people-pleaser.  A child who grew up in a loving but sometimes tense and fraught home who grew into a woman that subconsciously feels she has to manage the emotions of those closest to her.  To manage others when they don't seem to be managing themselves.  To distance and protect myself by working way too hard to remove all obstacles and frustrations from others.   To always be pleasant, always pleasing, never upset, never sad, and never, EVER angry.

Of course this has only hurt me over the years, while doing almost nothing to actually help anyone else or solve what I was trying to solve. And, as you know by now, my body and mind payed a steep price for these choices.  But I'm actually thankful for that, thankful that my nervous system is sensitive enough to be totally incapable of living that way forever.  Spending the first half of my life that way was more then enough.  I've started into the second half with much clearer eyes, and MUCH more bravery.

I still get anxious and afraid. I still 100% struggle with being honest in certain areas of my life.  My buttons get pushed and I can revert to old patterns.  But I'm making progress, and I'm shocking myself with a newfound boldness.   It's a lifelong journey of healing, and it's a good road to be on.  It feels oh so refreshing and healthy to LET myself be myself.  And yes, there is a cost to being honest in life.  It doesn't always bring the outcomes we want, but at least it's real- we are real... and that will always be better than the lies, the masks.